Children need to learn the why behind the things we as parents demand they do. It may sound strange but going to sleep does fall into the category of things we need to more times than not force our kids to do. If you don’t let them learn the consequences of staying up too late, they will have a hard time developing good sleeping patterns as adults. So this post will go into the reasons why a child should pick their own bedtime, and of course how to help.
Should Children Get to Choose Their Own Bedtime
Being a father of four with a wife who is a little less than interested in routines, the concept of our children getting to choose their own bedtimes has always been a strange dance in my home. During the school year if I did nothing my kids would put themselves to sleep eventually.
11pm seems to be the time of preference for two of my three children. They are both in the high school age range. My 11 year old I don’t think would ever put herself to sleep. She is starting middle school this year. If I had to guess her sleep pattern would be 2am one night and then 9pm the next. This would fluctuate all week. Of course the 3 year old goes to sleep whenever mom does.
Looking back when they were little gives good incite on how they will sleep as adults. My oldest as an adolescent would wake up before the sun came up. He would sit there and wait until he saw the sun then jump on me to tell me its a beautiful day outside. My oldest daughter would just tell us she is going to bed at like 8 or 9 at night. Then she would put herself to bed in her little toddler bed. The next little girl I don’t think slept. I can remember walking past her room at 2 am and seeing her still up. Then in the morning yep she was up. It was very strange. Now as they get older I see the same patterns.
So should children get to choose their own bedtimes? I personally have found yes depending on their age and with limits. The key is to realize as a parent that they can’t turn off their brains at night at a specific time unless you have a good routine. To me, I have found that is what you should focus on influencing the routine and then of course let them negotiate a bedtime.
What Age Should You Stop Having a Bedtime
This is a question I have asked myself a lot and talked to other parents about over the years. I found that people are all over the place with the topic. So it becomes hard to discuss why a child should pick their own bedtime when people don’t agree on when they should stop having a bedtime. There is a ton of data out there on how many hours a child should have per night based on their age. Below is a consensus on the topic from Healthychildren.org
The consensus group recommends the following sleep hours:
- Infants 4 months to 12 months should sleep 12 to 16 hours per 24 hours (including naps) on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
- Children 1 to 2 years of age should sleep 11 to 14 hours per 24 hours (including naps) on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
- Children 3 to 5 years of age should sleep 10 to 13 hours per 24 hours (including naps) on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
- Children 6 to 12 years of age should sleep 9 to 12 hours per 24 hours on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
- Teenagers 13 to 18 years of age should sleep 8 to 10 hours per 24 hours on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
Reasons for a Later Bedtime
Everybody is different and this includes your children. I have learned over the years that some of my kids need 8 hours of sleep or more to function. On the other hand, I watch my other child get 16 hours between two days and function fine. I know I wrote that in a strange way but she will get 5 hours on one night and then the next day she will sleep for 11 hours. In the end, she wakes up easily and makes straight As in school. On the other hand, my son was hard to wake up when he got ten hours of sleep per night. If he only got 6 that night well get ready for battle. His grades were always in the C range. Now my oldest daughter was affected the most by her sleep pattern. No matter what time she went to bed, getting up was fine. The attitude while up would fluctuate but she would get up and get ready for school. Now the grades on the other hand would go up and down in direct correlation to her sleep pattern. Each child will be different when answering the question on why a child should pick their own bedtime.
So based on all of the above patterns I have watched what are my reasons to let my children have a later bedtime:
- They need to learn how bad it feels to have a full day with no sleep. They will learn this one fast. If they never know why you make them go to bed so early then, of course, they will fight you on it.
- Not everyone needs the top of the sleep requirements on the chart. Some kids function on 10 while others are good with 6. No matter the chart every kid is different
- Sometimes as parents we set up bedtimes based on our own sleep patterns. Meaning we want to go to bed at 9pm so they need to be in bed as well. I wake up at 5am and I need about 6 hours of sleep to function well. My kids are not on the same schedule so why should I make them go to bed at nine.
Should Children be Able to Pick Their Bedtime
I do not have a yes or no answer to of children should be able to pick their bedtime. If they want to stay up late why not let them? I am sure most parents would say why did you just give children the right to stay up all night and sleep in until noon on weekends. My wife and I kind of go back and forth on this one. Do I really care if my kids stay up all night on the weekends playing games and running around the house…..not really. Do I get annoyed when they are sleeping to noon…..nope. My wife gets frustrated a little and wants to wake them up. I think she is just jealous.
During the week my wife and I kind of flip perspectives. I want to run around the house at 10pm turning off everything and telling them to close there eyes. My loving wife doesn’t really pay attention to the time and is more concerned with the house getting quite so she can stop picking up after and yelling at the kids. Then it also comes down to the kids. Do they give me issues in the morning to wake up or do they get up and get moving. Does their sleep patterns start effecting their grades?
So my vote as a father of a bunch of kids is…… well it depends. I give my kids information such as we are leaving in the morning to go here at this time. Then as long as they wake up and are ready to go I don’t stress on the weekends. Then on the weekdays I try to compromise and give them a reminder as I am going to bed that it is getting late. I watch them and when I see that anything is sleeping like their grades or their attitude we make an adjustment or I let them know that they need to make an adjustment or I will. All and all over the years as I have let go a little it has gotten a lot less stressful and I have not seen any downside other then distractions to my own sleep for them controlling their own bedtimes.
Why is a Bedtime Routine Important for a Child?
A bedtime routine is important for a child because it helps them to wind down and prepares them for sleep. Creating a positive, relaxing bedtime routine can help your child fall asleep faster and be less likely to have nighttime fears or nightmares. Having a consistent routine at bedtime will also help your child learn which activities are associated with sleep time. For example they need to learn when to turn the TV off if it is going to keep them awake. They can learn how fast reading a book puts them to bed on nights were they can’t get their brain to turn off.
In general routines are something that we all need to develop. These healthy routines will affect many parts our their lives. Now what their routine is depends on you and the child. They are all a little different. My 18 year old son can work all day and come home dead tired, he will still watch a few clips on Youtube about cars before closing his eyes. One of my daughters will start painting something 10 mins before she is ready for bed, then goes right to sleep….or right to her bed and is very quite so I think she is asleep. My oldest daughter will go in her room turn off everything and get under a pile of blankets……the snoring begins just about instantly. Just like us, they will have different ways to turn off the brain and go to sleep.
Conclusion
There are many advantages and disadvantages of children picking the time they go to sleep. Parents can help these routines become healthy habits by slowly giving control over to the kids, but remaining involved in important decisions like late night activities or curfew times. Children who establish healthy sleeping patterns while young will carry these good habits into adulthood. So why a child should pick their own bedtime is kind of a loaded question. it teaches them so much but you need to be ready to guide them. With no rules or problems they will develop very bad sleep habits. On the other hand if you give a little guidance they can learn to establish their own bedtime routine and it can be great for everyone.
