I’m not a psychologist, but I am the father of three girls and a boy. Self parenting is a term that I’ve been hearing more and more these days so I wanted to explain it from a father’s perspective. Self parenting is when you take care of yourself as though you were your own parent. the problem is that you may have not had the best parents and your self parent doesn’t realize it. For me, I know I am a little harsh although my wife uses a different term for it. If she knew my inner parent, I want to tell her she would think I was the best husband and father that ever existed. In this blog post, we’ll explore what self-parenting is all about – including some top questions people are asking online!
What is the meaning of self parenting
Self parenting is when you take care of yourself as though you were your own parent. It’s about nurturing and healing your inner child, which will then heal any wounds from childhood or adolescence. Sometimes as parents we forget to take care of ourselves.
This inner parent or self parent may not always be understanding when you need it to be. There are times when you will tell yourself that you deserved something or that you should have done this or that. Self parenting is about learning to understand your inner parent and healing those wounds.
How do you parent yourself
Self-parenting starts by being kinder to ourselves than we are sometimes willing to be with other people. We need a nonjudgmental, supportive voice in our lives – especially when it comes time for us to heal from past hurts and self-destructive behaviors.
You can start by noticing what thoughts run through your head all day long like “I’m fat,” or “nobody loves me.” Notice the things you tell yourself every day without fail – they could make up an entire script! And then notice how these scripts get played out in life situations.
For me, I realize that I think like a man. I know it’s hard to believe but everything in my brain is logical. For example, if I wake up late for work my self parent will let me know that if I would have gone to sleep at a decent time maybe I wouldn’t be having so much trouble. It took me a long time to realize as my wife tells me sometimes I just want a caring person to be there for me and tell me that it is okay. Self parenting can come in many forms, but it is important to do because if you don’t love yourself how will you love your children.
Next time something happens to you and the self parent in your brain starts down the path of negativity try to find an alternative. Self parenting is something that you can do every day and it’s not hard at all. It took a long time to develop the responses in your brain that tell you how fat you are or unworthy. It will take just as long to build good habits and a good self parenting relationship with yourself.
How do you nurture your inner self
So many people are very good at taking care of other people’s needs and neglecting their own. Self parenting is about setting boundaries, not necessarily physical but mental and emotional ones as well.
Start small with an affirmation like I am worthy or “I am enough” Self-parenting can also be a process that takes years to complete because it may involve releasing the emotions tied up in your past – some might take months while others will take decades.
The first major step I took was to recognize the negative things I told myself. Of course, I didn’t say it out loud but in my own mind, I was downright mean to myself.
For the second step, I realized that I always put myself second or third and most times last. That sounds like it’s a good thing as a father but when you put yourself last all the time you end up just not taking care of yourself and not realizing it.
After I realized where I was putting myself the next thing I did was I started lying to myself. You read it right but it was lying to make myself realize that I was living with lies. I needed to say what I didn’t believe enough times to train myself to believe it. You have heard the old saying fake it till you make it. So when my brain would tell me I deserved some negative thing I would counter it with something positive even if I didn’t believe it.
Next once the lies became my truth or well I corrected my brain and got rid of the true lies……. yea read it again I think it makes sense. After all the lies I needed a cheerleader. So I had to become my own cheering corner. You got this and it’s going to turn out great became my go to phrases, in my mind.
The final step is when you have succeeded. This is when you have fixed your thinking, treated yourself better, and cheered yourself on. Now you can sit back and be your number one fan believing that you can do it and you are worthy.
Great Self Parenting Helps You Become a Great Parent
I was doing it wrong all these years. Self parenting is a new type of therapy that has been emerging as adults look for more ways to fix themselves and their lives and realize the need to heal from the inside out. Self-parenting in not just about how you parent your children but always taking care of yourself first and foremost, by being present so you can be an emotionally healthy person who can give back without any strings attached or regrets.
As you think about how you react to yourself in situations, realize you do the same things to your children. When they make a mistake and come to you are you understanding or do you tell them how foolish they were? Do you give the logical answer or comfort them.
When you practice self parenting in a positive manner it will spill over to your family. Think about any negative memory you have from childhood and start guarding your kids against that same experience. Instead, be there for them and follow the same steps you use to nurture your own inner child.
Make sure you tell them they are worthy and deserve to have the good things in life. there are enough people in the world who will try to break them down. Don’t be one of them.
For the second step of letting them put themselves first….. well kids usually don’t have this issue. Instead, recognize when they may be putting themselves in a box. what I mean by this is at around 14 for some reason your kids will start loving their rooms. Be careful not to let them sit there in their own minds, put themselves down, and bring their own worth down. It’s amazing how fast a teenager can go from a great kid to a person living in their room who doesn’t feel like they are good enough to do anything.
Third, listen to your kids and you may start catching them lying to themselves. Saying things like I shouldn’t have gotten that grade or nobody likes me. Sometimes in this stage words from you will not be enough. the only way to fix it is to put them out there with people who like them so that you can ask questions that lead them to the truth. So I saw the three girls talking to you. What were they talking about? how long did you know them? Stuff that guides them to the fact that people like them if they get themselves out there.
Next, they will need you to always be in their corner. No matter what you need to be their biggest fan. I remember my daughter doing a sport that was way outside of her skill set. I wasn’t sure why she woke up one day and said she wanted to play it. Well of course all the other girls seemed to be well ahead of her but every game or practice I made it a point to find something positive to tell her I saw. I noticed that instead of telling me how bad she did we would come to an agreement that for that split second out of the game she killed it. This took time because at first when I would point things out she would say things like “no way” or “really”? So keep cheering for them.
Just like when you were working on yourself the final step is the best. You have helped to fix their thinking, let them see how worthy they are to be treated correctly, got cheered on, and all of the sudden they are happy kids. Ok, it may not be as easy as that sounds but it does work. The key is to keep it up. Never stop telling them the truth and being there to cheer them on. they will grow up understanding that they can be successful if they work hard and don’t just sit there putting themselves down.
Conclusion
Self parenting is a way to take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent possible. The first step in self parenting is acknowledging your needs, which may mean being honest about what’s going on with you or asking for help when it’s needed. You also need to protect your time and energy by setting boundaries around how much work and obligation are reasonable for any given day. When you’re taking good care of yourself, this helps ensure that everything else gets done too – like remembering important appointments or making sure there’s enough food in the house for dinner tonight. All kinds of things will happen over the course of our lives as parents but we have to make sure to keep focused on the positive and don’t let ourselves be the person to hold us back.
As we repair our own inner child by using good self parenting tips we will become better parents ourselves. If you are like me your brain will quickly go to a logical solution but our kids and wife probably just want us to be there for them. We need to learn when our family needs a solution and when they need our cheering or shoulder.
I know this is not a tip on self parenting but here is a tip from a husband, ask. When your wife or kid comes to you with an issue and you are not sure if they want a solution or a shoulder, ask. I have learned by asking I was able to start realizing how often I misjudged and responded the wrong way. Try it and see if it helps you too.
