Growing up I was lucky enough to experience two step-parents. One was great and the other well not so much. Now fast forward 30+ years into the future and I have gotten the chance to use what I learned from my own childhood on how to be a good stepfather. The only issue is I learned it from my Stepmother who I still thank to this day for being a major part of who I have become. I guess I should also thank my former stepfather for teaching me what not to do, these lessons helped me be a good stepdad as well.
What things should a stepfather do
The first thing you need to realize to be a good stepfather is where the family is emotional. When you walk into your new family remember they have already built a silo around themselves. You are the outsider coming into their lives not the other way around. If you want to know how to be a good stepfather these are some keys not to do.
Test the waters before you try and control them
I hear so many stories about the horrible stepparent and the one thing they all have in common is how mean and strict they are. The person steps into the new family and tries to lay down the law. You have to remember they already have set ways and rules on what is acceptable, you should have paid attention to that before getting married. If you walked in thinking when we get married I am going to fix this and that, well you are going to have a hard road. I am not saying that you have no say in what goes on what I am saying is there needs to be patience and understanding that things will need to change slowly. If you run in punishing the kids for not turning their TV off at a set time, while not realizing for the past 4 years mom laid with them till, they went to sleep. Now you are taking their mother and the small comfort of having a distraction on. So pay attention and take it slow.
Have fun getting to know them and letting them know you
You married their mother because you fell in love, but the kids already have a dad, why do they need a stepdad? So instead of assuming they will just fall in line because mom loves you its time to build a relationship with your new kids. Set up things to do with them and enjoy their company. They will then associated you with someone that is nice to be around instead of that guy my mom married. Again you need to pay attention, they may not want to have fun with you yet but just give them opportunities and they will come around and at least they will appreciated in the long run that you are putting forth the effort.
One of my eye opening memories was when my daughter asked her mom why doesn’t she get to have a stepdad. My wife’s eyes got real big and you can tell she was concerned that it would hurt my feelings but I just smiled. My daughter related the idea of a stepdad as a great thing to have. She didn’t understand at the time to get one her mom and I would have to get divorced she just thought that my stepson was lucky to have me and she wanted an extra good thing in her life.
Treat them the same as your own children
No matter what I do with my kids I try hard to treat them all the same. I don’t look at my stepson any different than I do my own children. Even when I am talking about my family I don’t think to put stepson in the conversation to describe him. The only time it comes up is usually by the conversation moving back to previous marriages or issues with biological fathers. Then the person will usually come to the realization that he is my stepson. If you treat the kids different it will be a thorn in the side of your relationship. You will never get the full joy of having another child in your heart. They will always know they are inferior in your mind to their siblings. Realize when you get married you are taking the kids into your heart as well. If you have a baby read our other blog post that goes into details on how to stop the baby from crying when you try to help, HERE.
Be supportive and understanding – never judge or criticize
It can be difficult to build a relationship with stepchildren, especially if there is an age difference or if you didn’t marry their other parent. It’s important to be supportive and understanding, rather than judgmental or critical. Try to get to know them as individuals and be interested in their lives.
Show them that you care about them and want to be a part of their lives. Avoid comparisons between them and your biological children. Don’t try to force a relationship – let it develop naturally over time. most importantly, don’t give up. With patience and effort, you can build a strong, lasting bond with your stepchildren.
Show interest in your stepchildren’s lives and be there for them when they need you
One of the best things you can do as a stepparent is to take an interest in your stepchildren’s lives. This doesn’t mean that you have to be their best friend, but it does mean taking the time to get to know them and being there for them when they need you.
Be sure to ask about their day-to-day lives and listen attentively when they talk to you. It’s also important to make yourself available when they need someone to talk to or just want some company.
Sometimes, all they need is for you to be present and show them that you care. By making an effort to connect with your stepchildren, you can foster a lasting relationship built on trust and mutual respect.
Spend time with them, doing things that they enjoy
If you have stepchildren, it is important to spend time with them doing activities that they enjoy. This will help them to feel comfortable around you and to understand that you are interested in them. It is also a good way to get to know them better and to build a relationship with them. There are a few things to keep in mind when planning activities with your stepchildren.
First, try to find something that everyone can enjoy. Second, make sure that the activity is appropriate for the age and interests of the children. And third, be patient and flexible – remember that it may take some time for the children to warm up to you. With a little effort, spending time with your stepchildren can be a rewarding experience for everyone involved.
Love your stepchildren unconditionally
One of the most important things you can do as a stepparent is to love your stepchildren unconditionally. That doesn’t mean you have to like everything they do, but it does mean accepting them for who they are and showing them that you care about them.
One way to do this is to spend time with them doing activities that they enjoy. This will help them feel comfortable around you and let them know that you’re interested in their life. Another way to show your love is to support them through difficult times. This could involve being there for them emotionally or financially.
Finally, it’s important to respect their relationship with their other parent. Even if you don’t get along with your ex, try to put aside your differences for the sake of your stepchildren. By following these tips, you can build strong, lasting relationships with your stepchildren and be an important part of their lives.
What a stepdad should not do?
A lot of things on this list would sound obvious until you are in the situation. Then you get a year into it and your wondering why you are having issues. There are things in this rollercoaster of step-parenting that you will have to think about and correct. Sometimes it helps to talk with your wife and tell her what you are trying to avoid so she can point it out to you when you cross the line. It takes a great wife to help as you learn how to be a good stepfather.
Never speak ill of their biological father
No matter how bad the father may or may not be never speak about them in a bad light. The kids will naturally defend their parents from the evil stepdad who is trying to replace them. I have always tried to encroach my stepson to have a relationship with his father. I have gone as far as inviting his father on a weekend camping trip with us. I know it sounds crazy and no we have not always been on good terms. I understand though that the issues I have with his father or my own. It is still his father and I am not trying to replace him or push him down so I can bring myself up. I can tell you sometimes it made things very strange for my wife and I but it made my son feel good and comfortable, so I was in, 100%. It’s hard and sometimes their dad is a deadbeat, but they will figure that out on their own, they don’t need you attacking their father.
Never speak ill of their mother
The same issue is true for their mother, don’t speak bad about her either to her kids. Even if they are saying something about her and you want to joke about it with, stay away from these traps. Kids will defend their mother even from you. Treating their mother good should be a no brainer but there are so many stepfathers who have issues because they joke poorly about the child’s mom and it creates issues.
Keep the kids at a distance
So you may not be used to having kids in your life and you don’t want to overstep your bounds but don’t keep the kids at a distance. If you want to be a good stepfather you need to interact and be there for them. Family boundary’s are different then other social interactions. You are going to have o clean up puke and maybe other stuff, buy pads for your step daughters, etc. So you can’t have a relationship if you are not there for them.
Try to force them to call you Dad
This is a major no no. Your stepchild already has a dad. By you telling them they have to call you dad its like a stab in the heart. They already think its their fault that mom and dad didn’t stay married. Now you come in and try to force them to put you in their dads place. Another big issue is when you make them call you something sterile like Mr. ______. I know people want to be respected but its hard to get close with someone when even what they have to call you is formal. So what do you do?
Well at first my step some would call me by my first name because that’s what everyone else did. Then one day he asked me what he should call me. So I told him he can call me whatever he wants other then butthead. We both laughed and he thought about it for awhile then he said can I call you stepdad. I kind of smile and said of course. So for the next few years I was stepdad and his dads wife was Ms. ______. One day his dad approached me and said I don’t like that he calls you stepdad. My response was well I told him he can call me whatever he wants and so if he wants to call me stepdad well that’s what its going to be. Then I went on to tell him if you spend time with him instead of worrying about such trivial things it wouldn’t matter to you what he called me. Over the years he has called me everything from my name, to stepdad, to dad. All in all I know I have raised him like my own and treated him no different then my other kids. Even his dad later in life thanked me for what I did for his son.
I say all of that to point out that the trick for how to be a good stepfather is to be the best dad you can be and love them. In the long term they will appreciate it and love you as their stepdad, but to them a stepdad is so much more than you can ever imagine.
Conclusion
Becoming a stepfather can be challenging, but it’s also one of the most rewarding things you can do in life. If you’re willing to put in the effort, you can be an amazing role model and father figure for your stepchildren. Just remember that every child is different, so try not to compare them to your own kids – let them be their own selves, and love them for who they are.
