I am writing this blog post about how to stop arguing during times of stress, and it is quite ironic that I am doing so while trying to deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Ida. Arguments are never good- they only make people more angry and irritable, which can result in hurt feelings. But there are many techniques on how you can stop arguing without anger or frustration- which is what we need! Here are some advice on how you can stop arguing with your partner so you don’t have to go through these negative emotions. I will point out I am a married man with an 18 year old stepson who I have raised as my own since he was 3, and I have three daughters ages from 3 to 14. So I may not have a degree in relationships or marriage counseling but I have a lot of on the job training.
Do we normally fight daily
In my personal relationship, we do not fight daily. This does not make us normal or anyone who fights daily abnormal it’s just how our normal day to day is. We have been married for around 15 years and have learn a lot over the years. I think the first few years are easy because everything is new and exciting which helps you not notice the things that drive you nuts. Then after you get to around 10 or 15 years you have gotten so used to each other the little things are just normal even if they drive you nuts. It’s the years in the middle of that which are the challenge.
Do we fight daily when we are under stress
Well considering I am writing this blog post in my house which has no power while I am waiting for the insurance adjuster to come and tell me what the insurance will cover from Hurricane Ida I can talk about this one first hand. We are being told that our home will not have power for up to 6 weeks due to the damage. We are staying at my inlaws until the power comes on. I am opposed to traveling out of state in two weeks to work a one-month job. The kids are supposed to be in school. The oldest started college, the next started high school, the next started middle school, and the little one was starting pre k today.
So being in this stressful time I can tell you that the fuses of everyone’s anger have become very very short. It has gotten to the point that in the morning if I make a comment joking as I usually do well, it’s not funny and the reply I get is filled with venom. I am sure my wife feels the same way about how I am reacting to her……but she would be mistaken 🙂
How do you not let an argument bother you
One of the keys I have learned is to not let arguments bother you. I know that sounds really easy to type out but there is so much truth in it. What helps me do it is that I understand my wife and I are on the same team with the same goals. The Arguments happen when we are not aligned on something smaller than the big goal. For example, we both want our kids to be great. So when we fight about the kids it’s due to us not being aligned on what gets them or affects their greatness.
For example one of my kids is an introvert and doesn’t really need much social interaction. I understand it because I find myself being a high functioning introvert as well. I say high functioning because I can get out there and talk to people and interact like the most extroverted person you know. The only thing is instead of charging me up it wears me down over time. So after a lot of interaction I need a little time alone to recharge and find peace in my brain. Well, my daughter is a lot like that.
My wife gets very frustrated with her when she goes into her room phase I will call it. She will play with her friends for a week straight and then she will go in her room, play on her computer, paint, read or do some other craft for a week or more. My wife will make comments about how she needs to go play or get out of her room etc. I will reply she is fine which I think as a phrase drives my wife crazy. Sometimes this will lead to a little bit of a heated argument about our kids.
We both understand that we want what’s best for our kids and so the argument will usually just be both of us expressing our frustration over something going on. In the end we will come to some kind of compromise and move on. KNowing in our minds that both of us are in it together helps because we are not really against each other even if we are trying to figure out what we believe is the best for our kids.
Another example is cell phones and social media. If it was up to my wife my kids would not have social media or phones. She sees a lot of things on her own social media searches about how bad it can be for your kids. I am on the other side of the argument I believe that every kid is different and you should treat them each differently. So my son was never interested in social media. The only thing he still really uses is Youtube. So for me to ban him from Instagram or Facebook when he was growing up wouldn’t have made any sense. My daughters on the other hand love Tik Tok. They will spend hours per day dancing and making videos to share with their friends. So monitoring what they are doing makes more sense. Banning if from the house as my wife would rather just seems like putting out a match with a firehose. It would work but is a little excessive.
Understand the Big Issues and Battle About the Little Ones
what is on your list of big issues may not match mine but money religion and raising kids are top of my list. I learned when I first got married that although my wife an I are very similar in our beliefs similar does not mean that we are 100% aligned. We were able to talk, and fight, and come to compromises in our marriage when it comes to the big issues but for some people they get into a relationship not realizing that there is big differences in the big issues. For example they get married and realize their spouse doesn’t even want kids…. mind blown.
So if you are about to get married its time to start talking about the details of what’s important to you. ask the questions how many kids do you want (easy question usually). then go a few steps deeper, how do you think we should discipline our kids? How do you feel about buying them a cell phone? When can they date? When I say they do you thing a girl and a boy should have the same rules.
When you start asking these questions is when you will learn where the gaps are. then is the time to work through them and there will be some times where you will not agree and will need to compromise. Its a lot better to do it now instead of in the heat of the moment with a kid already here.
Now when I say battle about the little ones, I mean its a shame to say but a little bit of a discussion about little issues is healthy. At least I find that to be true in my house. Sometimes I think people need to vent and see how the other person reacts a little bit. It makes them feel more secure knowing that the other person cares enough to battle over the little things. That may sounds crazy and I would love to know if you have little fights in your marriage and it feels healthy.
Back Eachother Up and Then Explain Your Side Later
This was the one that I found to be the hardest. There are times when you will think your spouse is well way off the deep end when it comes to how they react to some things. It may if you are like me be hard to not say that is stupid.
In a healthy relationship you will find backing each other up when they say something even if you don’t agree then telling them after is much better. First they wont feel like you are against them and never take their side. I can say I have heard that once or twice in my life….. or more then twice.
I have found that when people cool off or are removed from the situation you can talk to them. Say stuff like hey I wanted to tell you I think we were a little hard about _____. The key is to remember it was We not you. You backed them up so now as a team lets look at what we did. If during the conversation they agree with you on it being a little harsh or wrong I recommend letting them be the one to walk it back. You don’t want to create a good parent bad parent thing. Every time they go off the deep in you come in a change the rules. Kids learn that game fast. they will just start trying to appeal to you about the other crazy mean parent.
Compromise is The True Win in Relationships
When I look aback over the past 15 plus years I can remember a few bad arguments that were never resolved. The ones where we did not back each other up or that we just could never understand why the other felt that way. Sometimes I can remember my wife saying fine whatever you want. I can remember feeling like now however it turns out its all my fault. Of course all my decisions turn out great but still it sucks being put in the position that its all on you if this goes bad since you are the fool that feels a specific way.
Now when I look back and try to think of the compromises we made with each other well they are harder to remember. Not because they are not very important because once we made the compromise there was acceptance. The blame game was over we were a team. So good are bad we where in it together and we decided together what we wanted to do.
Conclusion
The key to stop arguing is not anger, frustration or hurt feelings. The key is understanding how your partner thinks and why they feel the way that they do about certain topics – whether it be disciplining children, buying them a cell phone or what to spend money on. Asking these questions will help reveal any gaps in communication between you two so that you can work through them together before you are already in the moment of no return. You may find yourself disagreeing on some points but that’s okay – you know that your a team. You have already agreed on the big stuff which makes the rest of it so simple. If you can’t have the conversations before you move deeper in the relationship that’s probably a sign.
